mrs2be.ie

[TanyaBranning]

Is anybody else having guest list problems?

I had invited verbally over a year ago, a girl who I have known for 20 years. To be fair our friendship has waned, and I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, but I felt I had to honour the invite. She's a single mother, and I have invited her with her child, so she is not coming alone. They've gone to numerous weddings together. She wouldn't be alone anyway, she knows all of my family and friends, but so she wouldn't feel like she had to come alone. Girls yee know what I mean, we are always trying to do the right thing planning weddings aren't we?

She's got a boyfriend for the past month, which I had heard on the grapevine. Myself and my h2b had decided that if single guests hadn't a partner by a certain time limit, they would be invited alone. My h2b's nephew met a girl 2 months ago, but sil2b told us not to invite her as even she hasn't met her yet. Trust me when I say, nobody will be alone, they all have family or a group of other single friends going too. Nobody will be alone or feeling like a spare on the day.

I've just heard second hand that this girl is livid with me That I should know she now has a boyfriend (yeah a wet week! and no I didn't know!) and that I'm being really offensive to her by not inviting him. Apparently she's going to turn the invitation down, but will be ringing me first to give me a piece of her mind

Maybe this should have been in Rant n Rave, but it's wedding related. I am just beyond belief. There are 2 other girls who are in the same boat as her going with their children. They're all delighted with the invite.

[IRockedTheFrock]

Mmmm to be honest I have to disagree with your views on this. Sorry! I personally think that all adults should be given the option to bring another adult as a plus one and I wouldnt include a child as a plus one. That's just my opinion and the way I handled my invites.

[fromOHtoH]

I have to say Im with you on this, you didnt know she had a new partner and were good enough to invite her daughter so I dont see why she should have a problem. Ive a friend who is in the same both, shes single at the mo but Ill give her a choice before I send out the invitation of whether to add her daughter to the invite or to put "guest" so she can choose. Numbers wise I just cant afford to add both.
If she chooses not to go its her loss. She wont see you looking gorgeous on the best day of your life, she wont be there to share the joy and laughter that day, instead she'll be sitting at home wondering if she made a mistake, which, if she turns down the invitation she will be doing!1

[TanyaBranning]

Mmmm to be honest I have to disagree with your views on this. Sorry! I personally think that all adults should be given the option to bring another adult as a plus one and I wouldnt include a child as a plus one. That's just my opinion and the way I handled my invites.

In an ideal world, everybody would have an adult guest with them at every wedding, but bringing it back to the real world, budget and space issues for us, muck this up

[BluefishJD]

Oh the joys of the guestlist Here's my two pence worth.... I think you have every right to invite who you wish and restrict the guest list to your own rules as your H2B has said no partners within a certain timeline then no invite and if you invite a single person - as in - their name is the only name on the invite then that is who is invited...no? We had a few cases of this were some of our friends are single and were invited as so and no plus one/& Guest was written on the invite and would expect them not to presume that they can just bring someone along as you said this girl and other single guests will know others there and that is what we are aiming for as in there will be others at the wedding that they can click with and won't be on their own and if they feel that insecure about going somewhere on their own then thats their own choice and don't have to go. One of the reason's why we decided not to put the "plus one" was for numbers and also because we don't want anyone at our wedding we don't know, this stems from our own experience being invited to weddings for the sake of inviting people in both cases we barely knew the couple and the one we went to (my sister was invited as well) we met the groom the day of the wedding for the first time (realized it was him as he was the one on the altar ) and he looked at us so funny, as if we were crashing or something, it was really awkward and i don't want that at our wedding - sorry this has gone on but essentially I am agreeing with you - you already have been very accommodating to have invited her child - we didn't even do that in some cases and if she is going to be an arse about it maybe it's a headache/attitude you don't need nor want on your big day?

[IRockedTheFrock]

Mmmm to be honest I have to disagree with your views on this. Sorry! I personally think that all adults should be given the option to bring another adult as a plus one and I wouldnt include a child as a plus one. That's just my opinion and the way I handled my invites.

In an ideal world, everybody would have an adult guest with them at every wedding, but bringing it back to the real world, budget and space issues for us, muck this up

Totally. BUT if you think about it, the chances are you will have one or two drop outs anyway, and you were going to pay for them from the start so its all the same. Again though, that's just the way I looked at it when I did mine so that's why I am seeing it that way.

Perhaps the best thing to do in this situation is tell her you will see closer to the time how it's looking ?

[bingowings]

I can see it from both sides really. Yeah in an ideal world everyone would get invited but sometimes it just can't happen that way. I can see why your friend would be upset though. It's a new relationship for her, she's excited about it and probably wants to show her man off. As you say she has been to loads of weddings but always with her child and never with a partner. It's very different to go to a wedding with someone on your arm than to go with a child. I know it's your wedding I'm just saying this is how she could feel. I think if you explain to her that you just don't have the room and you've already had to cut a few people off the list I'm sure she'll understand. Tell her that the list was drawn up ages ago and doesn't count for any extras. Ask her if it would be ok with him if he would take an afters invite instead.

[TanyaBranning]

Totally. BUT if you think about it, the chances are you will have one or two drop outs anyway, and you were going to pay for them from the start so its all the same. Again though, that's just the way I looked at it when I did mine so that's why I am seeing it that way.

Perhaps the best thing to do in this situation is tell her you will see closer to the time how it's looking ?

We had a reserve guest list, with a few couples on it, who we really wanted to be there, but could not stretch to it. We received a few regrets and have sent invites to the other people who we know and want to be there. So that fills up any vacant spaces. A man we didn't know existed, couldn't be on that resserve list.

Maybe closer to the time there will be more regrets, but again, where does that leave me with the other adults attending on their own? It's like the children dilemma, all or none, we feel this is the same.

[Mallow]

When is your wedding Tanya? I can see it from both points too, ultimately yes it is your wedding and yes you should be able to invite who you like, but like everything else considerations have to be given to everyone too. I gave invites of no plus one's to a few, but that was because we, as a group (of 14), decided along time ago for weddings that that group we're close enough to go as singles if they were single, i had attended other weddings from that group as a single before I met hubby so that particular group I stuck to their own rules and invited the singles as singles and the couples as couples, had one of them met someone between the invites being issued and the wedding I would have said "Sorry that was a rule you all made years ago and that's what I am sticking too", this was because given the non singles they would be in a group of 20+ so would know loads VERY well. Every other single got a plus one as they wouldn't have known the same amount of people and would have been left looking for people to talk to, as such.

So I would say if it were me it would depend - will the girl, if she only goes with the child, be left arriving at the church just the 2 of them? Sitting with people she doesn't really know? What age is the child? From her point of view she is probably thinking well they are paying for my child as really it's about another €20 if you take out the child and add in her partner. The girl is probably delighted and happy in her new relationship, she's been to wedding before with her child as you said, and was probably really looking forward to not being the one with the plus one child at his one. I think it would be a nice thing to do for her, although i appreciate hearing it the way you did probably did annoy you, but if it were me I think i would make an exception, not invite the child and invite the partner.

[TanyaBranning]

I can see it from both sides really. Yeah in an ideal world everyone would get invited but sometimes it just can't happen that way. I can see why your friend would be upset though. It's a new relationship for her, she's excited about it and probably wants to show her man off. As you say she has been to loads of weddings but always with her child and never with a partner. It's very different to go to a wedding with someone on your arm than to go with a child. I know it's your wedding I'm just saying this is how she could feel. I think if you explain to her that you just don't have the room and you've already had to cut a few people off the list I'm sure she'll understand. Tell her that the list was drawn up ages ago and doesn't count for any extras. Ask her if it would be ok with him if he would take an afters invite instead.

I will extend an evening invite, but can't stretch any further than that. From a budget point of view, and also from a 'we drew a line somewhere and have to stick to it' point of view. Like I say she's not the only one. My h2b's nephew is leaving his girlfriend at home, and she's coming to the night, and he's been with her slightly longer than a month

[TanyaBranning]

So I would say if it were me it would depend - will the girl, if she only goes with the child, be left arriving at the church just the 2 of them? Sitting with people she doesn't really know? What age is the child? From her point of view she is probably thinking well they are paying for my child as really it's about another €20 if you take out the child and add in her partner. The girl is probably delighted and happy in her new relationship, she's been to wedding before with her child as you said, and was probably really looking forward to not being the one with the plus one child at his one. I think it would be a nice thing to do for her, although i appreciate hearing it the way you did probably did annoy you, but if it were me I think i would make an exception, not invite the child and invite the partner.

This girl I have known over 20 years, she is close to my immediate family and my extended family, and knows all of my friends, and her own best friend will be at the wedding too. She won't be at the church, or the hotel left sitting like an eejit, I woudln't do that to any of my guests I haven't just singled her out, even though she thinks I have, it's a line we drew and have to stick to it, and also I didn't know he existed. I appreciate she would probably love to be going to a wedding with her new man, but at the end of the day, my h2b and I have some limits and can't go beyond them unfortunately. I feel like I've been kicked in the guts as I wanted her to have somebody with her, and you just try to do your best by people attending and sadly it's not always enough.

[BluefishJD]

That sounds logical Mallow as in just swap the child for the new partner and sounds like a good compromise but I think we might be getting away from Tanya's point - she has said she has yet to be told by the guest that she has a boyfriend and didn't know he existed and at the time the guest list was being made up there was a "Plan B" list put in place of people they knew but couldn't invite straight up due to numbers and they would have preference if there was cancellations and this is what i agree with - we have a "Single" guest and has been invited as such, since she got her invite (2 1/2 months ago) she has been seeing a guy who we have met once but they have yet to pronounce themselves as Boyfriend/Girlfriend, for some reason she states they are just friends and if that remains the case she will be attending on her own (Again she was invited as a Single with keeping in mind 5 other guests are in that clique and all know each other so she wouldn't be on her own)

[BluefishJD]

Just to add think you are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns - if I've learnt anything through this process that it is to stick to your guns and if you drew a line you drew a line - we too had a strict guest list guideline, drew the line and that was that - yes there is going to be some peoples noses put out of joint but honestly don't mind as everyone we invited are people we know and want to share our day with and when it comes down to budget/numbers/venue etc you have to be tough - as we invited some singles with no guest we were able to accommodate more of our friends (wether they single or couple) and as i said before they all will know somebody and like you wouldn't do that to any guest - as in left on their own - Be Strong!

[TanyaBranning]

That sounds logical Mallow as in just swap the child for the new partner and sounds like a good compromise but I think we might be getting away from Tanya's point - she has said she has yet to be told by the guest that she has a boyfriend and didn't know he existed and at the time the guest list was being made up )

It does sounds very logical, but again, I will be offending a few others who are being invited in the same position as this girl. So do I take her decline graciously, and get over the fact I'm feeling annoyed at her reaction to an invite that didn't include a man I didn't know existed? Or do I offend countless others and make a huge rod for my own back? Also, her child already knows she's invited, so I can't pull that one, she wants the best of both worlds, attend as a family.

[letmeeatcake]

Personally, I don't think that she has been with him long enough to warrant an invite. If she is so totally put out by the fact that he is not getting an invite, then leave her "give you a piece of her mind" and she can stay at home. You are the ones paying for this, and I feel very strongly that you should only invite people that you know to your wedding. I wouldn't want to look around a room and see people I have no idea who they even are. If she was with him 6 months, maybe, or a year, then I would think about it. But if you don't have the space, then you don't have the space. If she is going to be that childish about it, then maybe it is a good thing that she doesn't want to come. It is YOUR wedding, and she is not entitled to a damn thing on your day. When she gets married, she can do what she wants. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but having dealt with people being stupid about our wedding recently, I have realised that all you can do is say your piece, stay your ground, and if they don't accept that, then too bad. Good luck.