mrs2be.ie

[livingabroad]

So 1 of my BM's Is driving me a little mad. She was leaving to go travelling the week we got engaged, but I asked her before she let, she was happy and cried etc. She’s been off travelling and now living in Australia since and has not been home in 18 months. I’ve tried to email and include her in everything but she had no real interest, never really replied to emails, never looked at bm dresses I suggested etc. I was really conscious that i didn’t want my emails to her to always be about weddings, so i tried not to mention it too often – however she never got back to me about any wedding related things. So I picked the BM dresses with the other BM – who is back in Ireland and is amazing at calming down my family (have had several bad rows with thm in course of wedding planning – large opinionated family!!), she has done lots of wedding planning – attended hair trials etc. Obviously couldn’t expect BM in australlia to do all of this.

The original plan was bm in Australia was going to be home for good by august (wedding mid –sept) but then she met a boy. She didn’t have a permanent job, but told me how she didn’t want to take too long to come back to Ireland as she didn’t want to be away from new bf, and would only come home a few days before the wedding and miss hen. She plans to stay in Ireland for 3 weeks after wedding for her mom’s 60th. Lots of other bits and bobs were happening at this time (she kept whinging about her flights being too expensive and how she didn’t want to come home at all) which all hinted at her disinterest so i finally emailed her and said gently that i didn’t want to impose on her to be bm if she doesn’t want to and that if she cant come home its ok. What i really wanted to say was to pull her socks up. She replied saying she was thrilled to be asked, and would def come home. And has proceeded to do nothing. She booked flights coming in 10 days before wedding at least, and we discussed how she will have time to have dress adjusted and find shoes. I thought this meant it would be better.

Now she has just told me that shes not actually going down to Kerry until the Tuesday before the wedding (Saturday) – she wants to spend the first week in Dublin catching up with friends, and has asked if the other BM will just get shoes for her, and informed me on facebook that she might not have her dress altered in time.

Bit of a problem is that neither of my bm’s know each other and have never met.

I’m quite upset. Not sure what to do. 5.5 weeks to go to the wedding.

[winterbride]

Oh first of all

and secondly your bm is not very helpful at ALL, id be nearly inclined to tell her she is adding stress to you that you dont need and tell her that it is certainly up to her to get shoes for the wedding. I know this is not very helpful to you but i hope you get it all sorted

[mrsfa2b]

Wow! She seems to be being very unfair to u. Like the last poster said, she's adding to your stress, not eliviating (however you spell it) your stress. I have no advise to offer soz. She sounds like shes mad to be there in the front but not to do any of the leg work. is all I can offer

[livingabroad]

Well in in England so I'm not in a postition to take her dress to Dublin! They were supposed to pick their own shoes but now she won't see the dress until a few days before the wedding and so will hardly have time to match dress to shoes if its in the dress maker.

I'm just cross with myself that I didnt get more strict with her when I emailed her the first time weeks ago to ask if she wasnt interested in being BM. Also it feels completely unfair on the other BM who does loads.

I cant vent about this to my family cause I dont want them to think badly of her, also because my sister had a big fight with me and a go at me about how my BM's dont help me with anything.

[Disney2012]

I understand your frustration, and it really doesn't help that she is being so laid back about everything!

Maybe you should email her back and say 'I understand you wanting to spend time with your friends but bear in mind that the dress may not fit you as it is, if you come to collect the dress sooner it will give you more time to have the dress altered according gly and also get shows that will match! It's completely up to you but to be honest I've enough to organize and sort out in the days coming up to the wedding without having to worry about whether or not your dress will fit etc, all I'm asking is that as my bridesmaid you try to see things from my perspective and understand where I'm coming from.'

It might just be the wake up call she needs.... Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

Good luck!

[Littlemisscupcake]

I agree with Disney2012, I think that or a similar email might be the wake up call that she needs.

[waterplily]

Personally, I'd tell her that it's not enough time to do all that needs doing, to enjoy catching up with her friends in Dublin and not to worry about being bridesmaid, but to come as a guest and enjoy herself. In other words politely tell her that you don't want her to be bm if she can't be making the effort because there's more to it than just turning up, wearing a nice dress and shoes etc.

A true bm does exactly what your other bm has done. Seems to me like she's the one with all under control, so just have her. You don't need the stress of this with such a short time left to go. The easiest way not to have the stress is not to have her as your bm.

Just my tupence worth.

[Mrs Brideog]

Ah, you poor thing. Fecking BM trouble.

If she is causing you so much hassle and you don't want to fight with her, would you feel better just to her that the 'Irish' BM has been doing everything and having to do the extras for her so she needs to make more of an effort to actually act like a BM (i.e. get to Kerry at a reasonable time to do the few small BM duties you want her to do). Can she not come to Kerry first then, drive up to Dublin after her BM duties are sorted. Tell her that you are not happy about her saying the dress mightn't be altered to fit her in time for the wedding is causing way too much hassle.

I can see things from her side too (i.e. she wants to see all her friends and family on this trip home. It seems like your wedding is, maybe understandably, part of 'her' trip home) and maybe she is not prioritising your wedding. I don't think she is going to either because she clearly has many other friends and family occasions she is trying to fit into her trip.

If I were you, I would tell her exactly how your feeling and tell her what she needs to get to Kerry sooner as you don't want her looking stupid in a dress that doesn't fit her on the wedding day and if it doesn't, she will be putting stress on you on the wedding day as you may have to resort to putting safety pins in it. That is not an ideal situation to have and surely she wouldn't want to do that to you. Now, if she keeps putting things off, I would just tell her that you don't need her as BM anymore and she can go ahead and buy her outfit for the wedding in Oz, shoes and all. Tell her you're happy to have her as a guest but the dress is one of the most basic jobs a BM should cooperate with and if she's not willing to do that, then you'd rather not have her as BM because it is more than showing up on the day in an ill-fitting dress and a pair of shoes she never even took an interest in.

She's needs a right oul' kick up the arse and if she isn't willing to do the most basic things for you then you can do without her. Sorry if I sound harsh, I just don't think she sees your wedding as a priority, just as part of her trip and not the 'reason' for her trip iykwim.

[IRockedTheFrock]

Ah for gods sake not another one of these fecking bridesmaids. It seems we are all having them! Grrr! I'm not gona be much help but I do feel for you and know exactly how you are feeling. I had a rogue bridesmaid until 2 weeks ago when she very kindly sent me a text, yes a text to quit as my BM! It has turned out to be a blessing in disguise though as I am much happier and stress free with my new one. Perhaps you should ask her politely to step down? Or at least promote your other friend to cheif bridesmaid instead? I hope it all works out in the end for you though hun.

[livingabroad]

Thanks everyone. I wish I could get cross with her, but while I rant about it, we are friends about 20 years and anytime I do get cross about something and rant our friendship ends and it takes a while to rebuild - she doesnt take criticism well. I'm kicking myself for not asking one of the other great female friends I have that would have been great.

I've emailed her. Not very cross just said that she's making me very stressed especially if she doesnt have a dress in time. and that she might want to email the other bm and ask if she can help as the other bm has done so much stuff (subtle!!! hin hint "you've done nothing"). Also said that I'm sad she wont be back in kerry until Tues as I had hoped that I would have time to take both BM's for spa day but I understand if she has people to see etc. (undertone= I'm taking the "good" bridesmaid for a day at the most expesnive spa and she can stay at home!!- ESPA at the Europe here we come!). Oh and asked gently if she can send me her schedule for the week so we can see if she can attend rehearsal/ hen night/ kitchen party etc. But it all very gently, so she cant take it wrong but I hope she gets teh point or at least feels guilty!

have decided I should rise above it - if she is not interested then why am I wasting my time getting upset? She can wear whatever she likes, the other BM can pick the shoes, I hope they hurt her feet a little and she feels bad when I thk the MOH in my speech more than her! Not letting her ruin it and stress me out - I've enough stress - silly personal trainer just phoned to say the gym is shutting down in 2 weeks time and have told none of their members!! Must find someone else to make me skinny!

[MrsCB2b]

hun I think you are doing the right thing by rising above it and not letting her stress you out any more than she already has! She will hopefully get the hints in the email and get her act together and start acting as a proper friend and BM. If not, then you have carte blanche to pamper, thank and prioritize your MOH in front of her without feeling bad at all. I hope it all works out for you!!!

[waterplily]

You're doing the right thing. You just don't need the hassle she's causing you.

[Mrs Brideog]

have decided I should rise above it - if she is not interested then why am I wasting my time getting upset? She can wear whatever she likes, the other BM can pick the shoes, I hope they hurt her feet a little and she feels bad when I thk the MOH in my speech more than her! Not letting her ruin it and stress me out - I've enough stress - silly personal trainer just phoned to say the gym is shutting down in 2 weeks time and have told none of their members!! Must find someone else to make me skinny!

Yeah, let her have no choice in her shoes. I hope she hates them!

I think you are just right making a fuss of the other BM. I went all-out thanking my mam for being so helpful and not causing me any stress in the wedding planning. I just thanked my MIL for 'giving me my husband' as he was 'the best present she could ever have given me'. I knew that would piss her off!

Goog for you for rising above it, think you have the right attitude: if she's not bothered then why should you be!