Catholic Parents Refusing Attendance at Humanist Wedding

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  • Participant
    Registered On: October 5, 2017
    Topics: 1
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    • Wedding Date: 27-10-2017

    Hi, I’m getting married in Ireland imminently. Have been engaged and wedding planning for 2  years. From day one,we have been clear that we will not marry or in any way associate ourselves with the Catholic Church-  my parents made v clear they would not attend wedding / could not condone it/ I was betraying our family & proud Catholic heritage, etc. They made no response to emails asking them for contact details for their siblings (whom I got strong armed into trying to invite by my supportive , if massively critical aunt, as a pointless matter of principle) , no response to updates on the wedding planning, and finally, no response to their wedding invitations. So, that’s fine. Listen, I’m no contender for daughter of the year, and we never had a good relationship.

    As the day looms, and we have scrimped and saved and I could now qualify for a masters degree in event management and am being murdered by the stress of everything, I feel like I’m really missing out on having a mother who would pick up the phone, or be with me when I’m getting done up on the day. There is no possibility of reconciliation , which is a long established fact.

    What I would like to ask is, have any of ye any experience of this? Do ye have any advice for keeping the chin up when you’re facing the inevitable “oh where is your mother I’d love to meet her” or the piqued curiosity of future husbands family when they realise their party outnumbers mine by about 20 to 1.?


    Keymaster
    Registered On: May 20, 2016
    Topics: 13
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    If I were fighting in a war I would want you, or your mum, fighting alongside me and definitely on my side. There is always a way to compromise, but one side has to take the initiative to start the ball rolling. You could do a deal where you would have a catholic blessing at a separate ceremony later in the week?? Seems like both sides will not budge an inch, one side has to start the peace initiative. There will come a time in the future where you or your mum will be sorry beyond despair that you were not all one happy family on your wedding day, believe me, I’m allot older than you and know how lifes events can change a hard outlook. And never never give up (not with the disagreeing though) with finding a way to make this work. No need to get so hung up about being a catholic either, we can play rugby/hurling on a Sunday and drink, what more could you ask for! There were allot of priests and they were not all pedoes, I know that they repressed the people but that was all in the past, and we had our very own Oushwits in Tuam, all courtesy of the church who we were taught to look up to. Everyone knows this, but it is history now. Posted by Mike Concannon


    Keymaster
    Registered On: May 20, 2016
    Topics: 13
    Replies: 13
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    Oh Julia! I wish I could give you a hug! It sounds like there are quite a few unhealthy family dynamics going on. Have you talked with your mother about the stress you’re under and how the distance between you makes you feel like you’re missing out in a big way on the joys of being engaged and a newlywed? If you feel like you’ve already discussed the issue ad nauseam, then I would send her (and any other applicable non-responsive relatives) that you’d love their presence at your wedding – and appreciate a timely reply to ease final planning. DO NOT make it into their day or their way. It is about you and your partner’s love – and you shouldn’t feel obligated to twist it into something you don’t believe or respect. Posted by Stacey Lorraine Wilkinson


    Keymaster
    Registered On: May 20, 2016
    Topics: 13
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    Annemarie Mc Auley Galvin It is so stressful when the family dynamics are difficult . It is your day and should be everything you and your partner want it to be . As a celebrant l have had couples whose parents and or grand parents have never experienced an independent civil ceremony before and don’t really understand . What l have done is included a prayer or a reading in the ceremony to cover that . ( Humanists don’t do this but independent celebrants can) lt is a compromise but a nice one . After the ceremonies it is amazing when the parents etc who are very religious come up and say how much they enjoyed the ceremony how personal and loving it was . How they couldn’t believe the experience. You can also include the unity candle element in your ceremony which has its roots in the church but as part of a civil ceremony with bespoke wording is beautiful . The question l suppose to ask yourself will l regret not reaching out an compromising a little bit now in the future ? If you said one last ‘ time mum and dad l really want you both there at my wedding ceremony so l am including a prayer and or reading for you in my ceremony would you be there with me on the day . If they decline after that you must then park it and move forward to enjoy your most special day .

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